From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Less talking, more tequila
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
