Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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