He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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