I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
