bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
