I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
