The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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