so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
