Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I am mentally ready for anal.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
