I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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