New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
