My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
