in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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