Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
