my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
