My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
