did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
