Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
