On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
