she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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