why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
