i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
