I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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