He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
