I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
