It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
