the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
