During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize