Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
