have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
