I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
This beer is not sobering me up at all
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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