So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
