Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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