I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
