8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
