You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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