My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize