just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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