my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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