between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
