okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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