she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
