singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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