If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
