So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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