'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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