the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
