so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
