dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
