WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
tell me about the eggs
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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