just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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