hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
