I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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