I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
