You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
