How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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