There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
