I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
