Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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