I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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