4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Randomize
