My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize