Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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