Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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