Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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