Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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